Post-Depression Clarity
If you've never experienced the lack of motivation and intense fatigue that depression can cause, the accumulation of garbage and dirty clothes during a dark stretch might seem foreign, or even worse, lazy.
The executive dysfunction caused by depression can lead to poor hygiene, weight loss, and everyday tasks feeling intensely overwhelming. Though I believe that the physical mess can feel the most paralyzing.
As the mess grows around you, it starts to feel like a prison. Even worse than prison: a nest. You feel shame, but lack the energy and ability to do the physical work. The mess grows, and so does the shame. And the more shameful the mess becomes, the more depressed and worthless you feel.
Cleaning the mess is an important part of post-depression clarity. As cleaning progresses, your brain fog clears. Your chest muscles loosen. You feel the intense exhaustion and immense relief that weeks of poor sleep have bottlenecked. Your cortisol nosedives, and the sweet release of melatonin produces a sense of peace.
I'm currently in the process of a post-depression clean, and the relief and gratitude I feel are empowering. I hope to finish my clean tomorrow. Even at my best, I'm not the tidiest. I've always yearned for the sort of intentionally clean home most other people seem to have, but I've never been able to follow through on that goal. Whether due to depression or poor habits, organization has always been fleeting.
There is a distinct difference between my usual disorder and a depression pile. My normal is disorganized, but maintains a sense of chaotic order. My depression mess is oppressive. I'm glad that it's on its way out.